I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
