why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
