be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
