The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
