wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
