Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
