I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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