I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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