Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
