WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
