Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
