Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
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