they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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