i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
