"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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