I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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