I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
