So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
