i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
