how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
