At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
