i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
