i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
