I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize