Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
