Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
