We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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