My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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