god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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