Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
