things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
How external is "for external use only"?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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