Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
