Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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