Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
