Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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