guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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