Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
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