Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
