i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize