I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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