3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
