we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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