if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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