I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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