Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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