I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize