Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
false alarm, still single
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
