we have pet lesbian snakes
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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