take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
