The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
