so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
