she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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