we're chasing vodka with high fives
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize