a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
