I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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