remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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