a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
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