You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
