She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
