I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
3 2 1 whiskey
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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