I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
