I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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